Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
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When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
How animals would run if they were human
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Perfect.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.