I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
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My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
become ungovernable
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!