no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
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I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
i hope my email finds you on fire
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.