Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
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I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.