Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
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Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit