My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
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*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I’m awake but I object,
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.