One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
You Might Also Like
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
i- i did not expect this
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
A woman drives into a bar.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Oh my god
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.