Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
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If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I’m calling the cops.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I hope this email finds you in a well
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.