I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
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Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
No regrets in 2018
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”