Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
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[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!