God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
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ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
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Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.