Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
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people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
lmfao come on
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Wedding planning is organized crime.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.