I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
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Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?