I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
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Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.