I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
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a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter