I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
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It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
We’ve come full circle
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
*frowns in Scottish*
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick