Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
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Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
*weighs self after shaving
house sitting!
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans