Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
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Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.