*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
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Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Not even remotely sorry.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.