“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
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You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
ibopfufen
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free