Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
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St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger