i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
You Might Also Like
This is painfully accurate 😅
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*