I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
The glory of fall.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.