Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
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I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.