Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
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The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
But is it really??
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.