If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
You Might Also Like
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”