My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
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Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Proctology is located in A55
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
when dads have a rap battle
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue