Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
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Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”