Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
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I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.