New Tinder profile.
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.