*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
You Might Also Like
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?