sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
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Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.