Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
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You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over