*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
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ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.