Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
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Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
“A little help here, Danny?”
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.