Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
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guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.