[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
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Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.