A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
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Thursday
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”