I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own