My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
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Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie