in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
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We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
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Morningbreath
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I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize