Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
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Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
The devil.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Donkey Kong sommelier
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.