I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
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3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
This raises questions
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude