After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
You Might Also Like
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.