[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
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Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something