“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
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How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.