Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
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Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
In space, no one can hear…
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.