me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
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the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I missed you with all my darts
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.