why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
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Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
couldn’t resist
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
adding to the discourse
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
is this meant to deter me
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly