I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
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My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”